Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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