My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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