Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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