I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
