i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
