She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
