sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
