he looks like a really good dad on facebook
this boner is exhausting
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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