dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
