theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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