i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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