just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
