oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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