Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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