can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
