I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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