I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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