In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
