i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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