Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
