So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
