I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
