Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
