I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
