Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
