This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
