When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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