If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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