oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
