I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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