I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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