It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
