dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
