I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
