I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
