Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
