I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
