it glows. i had to have it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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