someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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