last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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