I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My hand turned me down
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
