I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
