it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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