Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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