why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
