drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
