i just wanna soil my oats bro
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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