I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
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