Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
