why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
