i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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